We Came, We Saw, We Were Thwarted by Bad Hats.

Settle in and grab a glass of your favorite beverage, folks - this is going to be a long one!

As those of you following along at home know, Jenny Jerkface, Myg, and I were lucky enough to make a pilgrimage - along with Mama Cougar, Tatoo Mickey, Rob's Bitch and a handful of the Twitarded Faithful - to see The Precious in the flesh. Well, at least as much flesh as several layers of clothing will allow for... Although it would appear that there were certain...inadvertent errors made that may have allowed for a little more exposure than Rob had intended...or maybe it was an intentional, come-hither sign? Who can say, really?

I thought I felt my Twidar (er, or something) tingling...

But let's start at the beginning, since my memory is for beans and I need to record this event for posterity and many eventual rereads when I am old. er.

Somehow, some of us (Mama Cougar leading the charge!) managed to converge on the TimesCenter where the Q&A session was being held in time to get pretty damn close to the front of the line. I have to say that the venue and the staff there were awesome and the people on line were reasonable and not threatening to beat anyone who cut in to be with friends to death with a rolled up Twilight Cosmopolis poster. So even though Mama Cougar, Myg, and Tatoo Mickey had been in line for a couple of hours by the time I got there, I was able to hang with them. And then when Jenny Jerkface descended upon the place a couple of hours later, frazzled from an afternoon of threatening to kill everyone in her office if they didn't get their shit together so that she could leave the office in time, she was able to join us inside where the line had moved to just outside the theater.

There were only this many like-minded crazy people in front of us.

Mama Cougar wouldn't listen to me when I said I didn't want my picture taken with us standing and her on the floor, which is why I look like an alien photo-bombing Myg and JJ here.

I noticed some folks hauling a cold cut platter and some other stuff presumably to a greenroom. This was about the time that I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day and was starving, but I resisted the temptation to tackle them and steal Rob's food. Also, apologies to the chick who I inadvertently captured picking her wedgie, but that's the risk you take if you do it in public.

This was the last pic I snapped before my phone died. If you squint just right, you can make out that it's the stage (and the people who work there setting up the camera for the live stream). Maybe I should have tried to snag some of those cold cuts, because I didn't realize I was shaking when I took it but I am sure you all appreciate my way-awesome photojournalistic ninja skillz here. You're welcome. Anyway, we were really close - much closer than anyone in charge of protecting Rob should have allowed the likes of us. Clearly Bodyguard Dean must be on vacation or something.

I would say were were about twenty feet away. I'm a bad estimator, but we had four rows of seats in front of us and a small aisle. Somehow we managed to park ourselves directly in the center, which seemed like a good idea at the time but was right behind the cameras (getting in there and getting a seat was like playing musical chairs and once we sat down it would have been tough to relocate without going way far back).

I would have had an AWESOME seat had Rob been seated in the middle, but as is turns out I had a great view of David Cronenberg, who was fabulous and smart and witty and also is pretty hot for a 70-year-old but let's face it: he's no RPatts in the looks department.

Promptly at 6:30 after a brief introduction, Rob - that's right, we're on a first-name basis now but he doesn't know it yet - David Cronenberg, and the interviewer David Carr came out from the same side-door Manager Nick had emerged from a moment earlier. I had caught the briefest glimpse of a familiar-looking head when the person doing the introductions came out, and I have to say I was a little...crestfallen.

Rob was wearing a hat. A HAT WAS OBSCURING HIS HAIR. GAAAAAAH!!! I wasn't going to get to see The Hair or watch him run his hands through it compulsively for the next 90 minutes. It wasn't even the beanie (RIP, beanie, wherever you are); it was a stupid white baseball cap. Sorry, I hated it - and he wore this same get-up - complete with hat - for an MTV interview - SIGH!

According to JJ, I actually pouted when I realized he was wearing a hat. Then I totally made the "nooooooo" face. She may or may not have been able to hear my whisper of disappointment above the general din, including that of the REALLY emotional chick a row or two in front of us who started sobbing uncontrollably the second Rob appeared (maybe she was super-disappointed by the hat, too).

What I wanted: THIS (on GMA earlier that day).

 Or THIS (ringing the NYSE opening bell the day before). Although I may have stroked out if he had looked like this in my presence. A Twitard is only so strong...

What I got. Not that I am complaining. OK, I am complaining. But at least this gives me an excuse to go see him again someday because I kind of feel like I got cheated out of the full-on RPatts Immersion Experience.

Don't get me wrong - hat or no hat, I was transfixed from the moment he walked out that door. Poor Myg had to deal with my ginormous head in her seat-space the entire night because she had a better view. To her credit, she was a ridiculously good sport and was even game when I suggested we rush the stage about ten minutes in then they dimmed the lights to play a movie clip. I swear I felt like Bella sitting in science class when Mr. Banner played that movie and shit got REAL and electrically charged and stuff.

Honestly, maybe it was for the best that he was wearing a hat. If he had whipped it out off and ran his fingers through his hair, Myg and I definitely would have made a break for the stage while the lights were dimmed and could have had at least ten seconds in thrashing-actor heaven before we were hauled off to jail and/or lynched by the rest of the audience. Not that the actual logistics of doing this crossed my mind at any point that night. Nope not me. I think David Cronenberg had his eye on me while the lights were low - he seems to have a pretty keen understanding of people and I think he was on to me.

I think Myg might have said it best:

And also, hat and awkward clothing aside? He was absolutely magically beautiful in person. You cannot deny that. Maybe the hat and striped blue polo under the black jacket was to tone down the rainbows shooting out of his fingertips. Maybe he was purposely trying not to feed the estrogen dragon in the audience.

 Although JJ had a close second:

His fingers are like ET, but WAY sexier.

 This is totally true, btw.

 Anyway, here are--in no particular order--other related thoughts and shit that happened:

Maybe Rob put so much anti-frizz product in his hair he had no choice but to either start over and shower or wear a hat and he didn't have time so he put on a hat? I didn't have a hat handy but I definitely overdosed on anti-frizz product too so I totally understand, Rob.

If I HAD been wearing a hat, I would have taken it off in a nod to Rob's Bitch, who had the nuts to stand over a row or two of total non-Twitard strangers before this shindig started and say "Jenny and STY? Hi! I'm Rob's Bitch!" We love you, sweetie, and don't know how you look so pretty walking around with those huge balls swinging around between your legs. But carry on. This is why I love our corner of the fandom.

David Cronenberg is AMAZING - I have seen several of his films and was no stranger to his work but seeing him in person just blew. me. away. and while I was already committed to seeing this movie, I am 10x more so now. DO IT.

Yes, there was a moment when everyone sort of freaked out because David Carr brought up The Incident and people may or may not have overreacted a tad, but what can we say? We are very...protective of Rob.

When we got to the pre-submitted questions, one of the entries selected was from Mama Cougar, who despite having put together an excellent query would have pulled into herself like a turtle if she had been genetically designed to be capable of doing so. Rob totally looked in her direction so I get it and would have done the same thing. We love you, MC!

Also, at the very end people were handing him things before he made his way offstage and he accepted a hat and a few other items, and also stopped to sign a few autographs because he's a NICE GUY. But seriously people? PLEASE stop giving him hats! I don't want to encourage this kind of hair-covering behavior.

I also would be remiss if I didn't note that Rob drank a couple of bottles of water while on stage and spent an inordinate amount of time playing with one of the bottle caps. He was working it like Edward with his Snapple cap in Twilight. Not that I was paying ridiculously close attention, but he was even absentmindedly gnawing on it occasionally, picking it up and putting it in his mouth. The moment the door closed behind him when he exited the room and the glamouring that had been done on the audience to keep us from collectively having our way with him was broken, I watched a couple of younger women rush the stage to collect the bottles and ravaged cap. I was half horrified (it's possible I slightly shouted "you are making us all look bad!") and half ready to grab it and make a run for it when they showed it to me after I found them outside on the sidewalk giggling like a pair of gollums who had FINALLY gotten their hands on the ring. Or RPatts' DNA. One of those. The Preeeeeecious... They didn't speak English, but apparently "Holy shit Robert Pattinson had his MOUTH on this and now it's MINE! SQUEEE!!!" is universal.

Three parts appalled, two parts insanely jealous.

And now, my consolation prize: three minutes of Rob running his fingers through his hair:



I don't know about you, but I feel better now.

If you want to watch the entire conversation, here you go! Just relax and bring the whole box of wine closer to the computer. We won't judge.